almost over

It's the middle of April on my junior year, I'm almost a senior. This brings me mixed feelings. I can't decide if I'm excited to be a senior or sad that one year from now, I'll be preparing to leave this wonderful place. I know one thing, Chapel Hill will always hold a very special place in my heart. It's a place where I grew up a lot. Where I found love, in great friends. In InterVarsity, in sports games, in intermurals, in dorms, where I fell in love for the first time. :)

It has been such a busy couple of weeks for me, all my teachers piling on the last bit of hectic work before exams I suppose. I've been writing lots of papers. Staying up too late studying. Getting no where near enough sleep. But at the same time, I have been able to not stress too much. It's surprising, I have to admit. Normally when I have that much due, I am a wreck, and while I wasn't not-stressed, I'm working on the whole idea that "stress is only hindering my performance and making me feel worse." It's hard for me to do that. I am slightly neurotic.

On another note, I've really been working on the whole "being honest with myself" thing. I can be honest with other people, and there are certain people who I am more honest to than I am to myself. It's easier to tell yourself something else to help yourself, but it only makes things worse later. It's hard. I don't like it. But I know I have to do it. I know that it will be worth it.

And I am so blessed, I really am. By friends who are honest with me. By my boyfriend, who makes me realize the truth in myself. By God, who tells me the truth, and teaches me many things.

I'm still finding myself, who I'll become. Just gotta trust.

Stormy Nights

Last night, a storm came through Chapel Hill. Now, while I think they are fascinating, they also frighten me. It was late when it came through, and I was up late studying, trying to drown out the storm and prepare for the test I had this morning. It scared me even more because there was a tornado that touched down in High Point, and freaked me out. I am terrified of tornadoes more than the thunderstorms. I think part of that has to do with the time a tornado hit near my school when I was in elementary school, and I was scared for my family because it was on the path towards a town near my house, and I was worried about them. Josh was also up late finishing a paper, and he kept me safe. I was scared, but it was nice having him with me keeping me calm.

This year has been good. I am blessed with friends that love and care about me and I am glad they let me complain, and rant, and laugh. I am so glad I lived in Joyner freshman year. I ended up with great neighbors, and meeting great people who are very important to me and have a very special place in my life.
---

I have started planning classes for the last fall semester of my undergraduate career. It's really scary, but exciting. I can't believe I am going to be a senior next year. I just have to figure out what to do after senior year. apply to grad school? maybe. get a job? maybe. I just have to trust that it will all work out.

The future is scary.

I've kind of been struggling lately with God. I'm not a patient person, and so it is really hard sitting and waiting for God to reveal himself to me. I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life after I graduate in just a little over a year, and there are so many different things I may be interested in, and I need to figure out what I want to do with my life after I graduate. I'm looking for guidance from God, and He is really teaching me to be patient and to trust that it will all work out in the end, when the time is right. I don't like waiting. I like knowing as soon as I can. I think a lot of that has to do with the society. Our society today is so focused on how fast can I get something, and it kind of is like we are rushing away our lives. I wish I could slow down sometimes, and enjoy life's little moments. But I am always trying to get things done, always busy. I need to focus on what is important. I know God will provide, I just wish He made it easier. Neon signs telling me where to go and what to do would be great. But then life would be too easy.

I was reading the other day in Galatians. My small group is going through the book, but this was on my own, part we have already done. This is a verse I have heard and read multiple times, but I don't know if it really ever hit me like it did the other day.

Indeed, I have been crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me, the life you see me living is no longer "mine", but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I am not going to go back on that.

That comes from Galatians 2:20 in The Message. It is exactly what I need to remind myself everyday. I have it on a post it note on my mirror, which I see every time I leave the room. It's a really good summary of the Gospel's message to me. To everyone.

To be crucified with Christ means my sins are paid for by Christ's death on the cross. It is me He suffered for, died for. And eventually, He came back to life. And He's coming again! Then, my scary future will not exist, I'll have future, but it will no longer be scary. It'll be exciting and full of worshiping God! And it is so special, so powerful, that the Old Laws no longer apply, I am forgiven with the only way of salvation God has given to us. I don't have to follow exactly the hundreds of Jewish laws, which I couldn't follow, because I am human, and I will always fall short.

My ego is no longer central. My life is not about me anymore, when Christ died, and I accepted Him as my Savior, I gave my life to Christ. It is hard to live that way, but it is great to be reminded of that.

I am such a people pleaser. I always want to make people happy. So reading this is hard, that I don't have to work for people's favor, I don't have to work for God's favor, actually that is not going to get me anywhere. I just have to live for Him, because it is His life now. Christ lives in me, and it is hard to live for Him, especially on a campus where the Christian life is not the ideal standard for most students.

I can't believe how blessed I am. But I am thankful. I love all the people who have impacted my life. "Our fingerprints don't fade from the lives we touch."

Joyful in hope...

Patient in affliction
Faithful in prayer

God is so good, especially when I don't deserve it. Or maybe that is just when I see how good he is more.

I have been having a very busy semester, especially the last few weeks, and next week. I feel like I am always going, always busy, and the result is that I have not been spending enough time with God. I was reading my devotion yesterday, and it said something that made me stop and realize that it was exactly what I needed to hear. Or read, I guess. But anyways, it said that our mind is the greatest gift God gave us, and that we need to consciously put an effort into putting God first, listening to him, and making an effort towards spending time with him. I am here at Carolina, and so often, I am so busy trying to cram as much knowledge in my mind, that I too often forget to leave room for God. So that was really powerful, and good to hear.

In small group Tuesday, we did a special Valentine Small Group, and went through 1 Corinthians 13. I love that chapter. One of my favorite verses in it is "But when the Complete arrives, my incompletes will be canceled." That is just so cool. One day, I am going to be in heaven, partying with Jesus, and just be... I don't know, I can't even describe it. It's just exciting. You know, lets me know the outcome of my life. So I don't have to worry. But it is powerful, and still challenging not to have to worry. I always worry, I am kind of neurotic sometimes about things. Especially now, thinking about life decisions. Should I go to graduate school or not or take a year off and then go? And then, where would I go for grad school? Where are good programs? Could I even get into grad school? What am I going to do this summer? What to I want to do with the rest of my life? So many unanswered questions that I have no idea of the answer. I don't know God's plan for my life, I guess I am living it, and I just have to wait until He reveals the next part of His plan to me. I am not a patient person, but I think God is really trying to teach me patience. So I'm trying. It's not easy though, but I'm trying.

On a fun note, and a sad note at the same time, I got to go to the UNC-Dook basketball game Wednesday. It was fun, and my throat still hurts from all the yelling. I was three rows from the top of the Dean Dome, so the players looked like ants, so I am thankful for the jumbotron. It was a lot closer than most people expected, and pretty low scoring. So even though we lost, I still have an experience that most people don't get to have ever. And I know we lost, but on the horizon, there is Harrison Barnes. :) And we can't win it all every year. We must share. Sadly though, I have just been informed Ed Davis is out for six weeks with a broken wrist. I don't know why our team always gets hurt. :(

And on a super exciting note, Sunday I get to celebrate my first Valentine's Day with a date. A date that I have been dating almost a year now. Whoa. That seems crazy, but it has been a very happy, very wonderful almost year. :) And Saturday, we are having a small group party! so pumped.

Love love.

I should be sleeping...

So I am terrified of tornadoes, so when there is a tornado watch when I should be asleep, my mind is too busy for me to be able to fall asleep. So I start thinking about anything just to take my mind off things. So here I am, up way too late, wishing I was home able to sleep in the basement, a pretty safe place to be during a tornado watch. But instead, I'm in the dorm, restless, and I know I am going to be exhausted tomorrow. I tried to fall asleep, but I was laying in bed, and my head was making things worse than they actually are. It is times like this when I start to hate the "Mind over Matter" factor. In reality, its only raining, not even that windy. In my mind, the second I fall asleep is the second the wind will really pick up and things will get scary and bad. Thankfully, I have a somewhat free afternoon tomorrow, so hopefully I can take a nap. According to the weather channel, the worst is almost over. And I hope so, I need to fall asleep soon.

A Reflection on 2009

I can't believe 2009 is almost over. That I graduate in a small three semesters. Time has flown by. And as it draws to a close, and another year approaches, I think it makes sense to reflect on how I have changed and grown, and what has happened in my life. A lot has happened.

We won the National Championship! I rushed Franklin. I met Roy Williams. I stalked John Henson. (not really, but...) I laughed. I cried. I laughed so hard I cried. I celebrated. I loved. I was loved.

School/Academics...
My sophomore year was not particularly the most enjoyable year of my life, it was rather rough on some of my friendships and my wellbeing. I was taking classes I hated, dealing with personal issues, and just struggling to find the motivation to even try to work hard, to want to excel. My grades were suffering and I was being so negative on myself, even to the point of considering transferring to an easier school. I never wanted to, really, but in my mind, I couldn't help but think if all the stress and struggling was worth the effort. I obviously didn't transfer, and I am very glad. I took a maymester psychology class, and loved it. I had no trouble motivating myself to study, and really enjoyed the material, and excelled in the class. Of course, it was hard focusing for 3 hours every day on abnormal psychology in a class, but it was only for three weeks, so it wasn't too bad. And Fall of junior year, while I had two classes I absolutely hated, my grades were better and I was finding better motivation to study and just having a better time in classes.

Relationships with peers...
Friends are very important to me. But I am sad to admit I lost focus on who my real friends were sophomore year. I stopped spending as much time with my girl friends who really love me, and I love them. I realized this and I am working on it, because I know these girls are lifelong friends. I am sorry that I did this, and really am trying to start spending more time with them. I just lost focus and began spending too much time on third floor, even though I love those guys too, and less time with freshman-year friends. I do have wonderful friends that I love dearly and I am so thankful for them. They are such blessings on my life.

A Special Relationship...
March 2009 was important in that I got my first boyfriend, and luckily, still have him. :) He has been such a blessing in my life, and I have absolutely fallen for him. He is a truly wonderful man, he loves Jesus, he is smart, and he really cares about me. I can't believe I got so blessed to have him in my life. We are a little crazy, but we understand each other and have fun together and I can talk to him about everything. He was a good friend before we started dating and he is one of my best friends now. I never imagined it could be this good.

Faith...
I fell in love with God all over again. Not that I ever didn't love Him, but sophomore year I hit a slump. I led small group halfheartedly, only fulfilling a commitment. I lost focus, I let stress and school and other things take priority. But as time went on, I gradually began to see what was important, and what really mattered again. I prayed more. I trusted more. I learned more. And I realized that God really loves me. God, who is SOO powerful and could have decided I was not worth the sacrifice, made the ultimate sacrifice just to save my life. I am so not worthy of His love and grace and mercy and forgiveness, but he so willingly sent His only Son, who was God in flesh, fully God and fully man, to die a terrible, horrific, painful, embarrassing death, just so that I could live. God came to earth, which is crazy to think about, so that I could have life, so that I could find eternal joy. What? That is crazy, but His love is crazy. "He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, I am a tree bending beneath the weight of his love and mercy..." I don't understand why, but I know He did. I'm not special. I have so many flaws, it is ridiculous. I make so many mistakes. I sin against Him. And yet I am forgiven everytime just because I have let Christ come into my life and chose to live for Him and love Him. What an amazing blessing and realization. God is so amazing.

I think overall, I have had a good year. I am so blessed, yet so often I fail to remember that truth. So for 2010, I am going to enjoy life and not worry about what the future holds. I am going to live to the fullest and live for Christ, because there is no other reason I am living. God bless.

Thankful

This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for many things. For the cheers in the Dean Dome, for rushing Franklin Street after the National Championship and beating Dook, for the Old Well, for the uneven brick paths and the ringing of the bell tower. For the autumn leaves and the warmth of a blanket on a cold night. For the night sky, with millions and millions of shining stars. For warm summer days and white winter skies. For the rolling mountains and sandy beaches. For cameras and pictures capturing memories. For salt and vinegar chips and mint chocolate ice cream. For the Disney Channel and fairy tales, mascara and straighteners, cute clothes. For carolina blue and all shades of pink. For wild animals in my yard, for sports, for roses and gerber daisies. For cheerwine and strawberries, for books and chick flicks and girl nights, for random dance parties, for Joyner. For coffee and chocolate, health and my bed.

For my family. We dont always get along, but they really do love me. They have made me who I am today. "You don't choose your family, they are God's gift to you, as you are to them." (Desmond Tutu)

For my wonderful friends. They are the greatest, always there for me. They really care about me. Ephesians 4:9-10. They lift me up.

For Josh. This man is amazing. These past almost 9 months have been amazing. We've been through a lot, and he still likes me. He's committed, what can I say. He makes me smile, especially when I don't want to. I'm blessed to be the girl he decided to date. He helps me through stressful times, and stays up way too late to help me study, encouraging me, and believing in me, especially when I don't believe in myself. I've got the best boyfriend. "You're the best thing I never knew I needed." (Princess and the Frog, Never Knew I Needed)

For this country, For the opportunities I have been given, for UNC.

For my small group. These girls teach me so much and I love them and I am blessed by that entire group.

For breaks from school. Can I get a second? :)

I saved the most important for last, because He loved me first, He saved me. And that is what I have to be thankful for the most. Jesus Christ, the ultimate sacrifice. Through Him, I am saved, without Him, I am nothing. 1 John 5:11-13

I'm sure I missed some things. So this is not everything. But the most important things.