ti voglio bene

almost over

2010-04-11T21:42:00.000-07:00

It's the middle of April on my junior year, I'm almost a senior. This brings me mixed feelings. I can't decide if I'm excited to be a senior or sad that one year from now, I'll be preparing to leave this wonderful place. I know one thing, Chapel Hill will always hold a very special place in my heart. It's a place where I grew up a lot. Where I found love, in great friends. In InterVarsity, in sports games, in intermurals, in dorms, where I fell in love for the first time. :)

It has been such a busy couple of weeks for me, all my teachers piling on the last bit of hectic work before exams I suppose. I've been writing lots of papers. Staying up too late studying. Getting no where near enough sleep. But at the same time, I have been able to not stress too much. It's surprising, I have to admit. Normally when I have that much due, I am a wreck, and while I wasn't not-stressed, I'm working on the whole idea that "stress is only hindering my performance and making me feel worse." It's hard for me to do that. I am slightly neurotic.

On another note, I've really been working on the whole "being honest with myself" thing. I can be honest with other people, and there are certain people who I am more honest to than I am to myself. It's easier to tell yourself something else to help yourself, but it only makes things worse later. It's hard. I don't like it. But I know I have to do it. I know that it will be worth it.

And I am so blessed, I really am. By friends who are honest with me. By my boyfriend, who makes me realize the truth in myself. By God, who tells me the truth, and teaches me many things.

I'm still finding myself, who I'll become. Just gotta trust.

Stormy Nights

2010-03-29T10:20:00.000-07:00

Last night, a storm came through Chapel Hill. Now, while I think they are fascinating, they also frighten me. It was late when it came through, and I was up late studying, trying to drown out the storm and prepare for the test I had this morning. It scared me even more because there was a tornado that touched down in High Point, and freaked me out. I am terrified of tornadoes more than the thunderstorms. I think part of that has to do with the time a tornado hit near my school when I was in elementary school, and I was scared for my family because it was on the path towards a town near my house, and I was worried about them. Josh was also up late finishing a paper, and he kept me safe. I was scared, but it was nice having him with me keeping me calm.

This year has been good. I am blessed with friends that love and care about me and I am glad they let me complain, and rant, and laugh. I am so glad I lived in Joyner freshman year. I ended up with great neighbors, and meeting great people who are very important to me and have a very special place in my life.
---

I have started planning classes for the last fall semester of my undergraduate career. It's really scary, but exciting. I can't believe I am going to be a senior next year. I just have to figure out what to do after senior year. apply to grad school? maybe. get a job? maybe. I just have to trust that it will all work out.

The future is scary.

2010-03-22T07:03:00.000-07:00

I've kind of been struggling lately with God. I'm not a patient person, and so it is really hard sitting and waiting for God to reveal himself to me. I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life after I graduate in just a little over a year, and there are so many different things I may be interested in, and I need to figure out what I want to do with my life after I graduate. I'm looking for guidance from God, and He is really teaching me to be patient and to trust that it will all work out in the end, when the time is right. I don't like waiting. I like knowing as soon as I can. I think a lot of that has to do with the society. Our society today is so focused on how fast can I get something, and it kind of is like we are rushing away our lives. I wish I could slow down sometimes, and enjoy life's little moments. But I am always trying to get things done, always busy. I need to focus on what is important. I know God will provide, I just wish He made it easier. Neon signs telling me where to go and what to do would be great. But then life would be too easy.

I was reading the other day in Galatians. My small group is going through the book, but this was on my own, part we have already done. This is a verse I have heard and read multiple times, but I don't know if it really ever hit me like it did the other day.

Indeed, I have been crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me, the life you see me living is no longer "mine", but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I am not going to go back on that.

That comes from Galatians 2:20 in The Message. It is exactly what I need to remind myself everyday. I have it on a post it note on my mirror, which I see every time I leave the room. It's a really good summary of the Gospel's message to me. To everyone.

To be crucified with Christ means my sins are paid for by Christ's death on the cross. It is me He suffered for, died for. And eventually, He came back to life. And He's coming again! Then, my scary future will not exist, I'll have future, but it will no longer be scary. It'll be exciting and full of worshiping God! And it is so special, so powerful, that the Old Laws no longer apply, I am forgiven with the only way of salvation God has given to us. I don't have to follow exactly the hundreds of Jewish laws, which I couldn't follow, because I am human, and I will always fall short.

My ego is no longer central. My life is not about me anymore, when Christ died, and I accepted Him as my Savior, I gave my life to Christ. It is hard to live that way, but it is great to be reminded of that.

I am such a people pleaser. I always want to make people happy. So reading this is hard, that I don't have to work for people's favor, I don't have to work for God's favor, actually that is not going to get me anywhere. I just have to live for Him, because it is His life now. Christ lives in me, and it is hard to live for Him, especially on a campus where the Christian life is not the ideal standard for most students.

I can't believe how blessed I am. But I am thankful. I love all the people who have impacted my life. "Our fingerprints don't fade from the lives we touch."

Joyful in hope...

2010-02-12T09:28:00.000-08:00

Patient in affliction
Faithful in prayer

God is so good, especially when I don't deserve it. Or maybe that is just when I see how good he is more.

I have been having a very busy semester, especially the last few weeks, and next week. I feel like I am always going, always busy, and the result is that I have not been spending enough time with God. I was reading my devotion yesterday, and it said something that made me stop and realize that it was exactly what I needed to hear. Or read, I guess. But anyways, it said that our mind is the greatest gift God gave us, and that we need to consciously put an effort into putting God first, listening to him, and making an effort towards spending time with him. I am here at Carolina, and so often, I am so busy trying to cram as much knowledge in my mind, that I too often forget to leave room for God. So that was really powerful, and good to hear.

In small group Tuesday, we did a special Valentine Small Group, and went through 1 Corinthians 13. I love that chapter. One of my favorite verses in it is "But when the Complete arrives, my incompletes will be canceled." That is just so cool. One day, I am going to be in heaven, partying with Jesus, and just be... I don't know, I can't even describe it. It's just exciting. You know, lets me know the outcome of my life. So I don't have to worry. But it is powerful, and still challenging not to have to worry. I always worry, I am kind of neurotic sometimes about things. Especially now, thinking about life decisions. Should I go to graduate school or not or take a year off and then go? And then, where would I go for grad school? Where are good programs? Could I even get into grad school? What am I going to do this summer? What to I want to do with the rest of my life? So many unanswered questions that I have no idea of the answer. I don't know God's plan for my life, I guess I am living it, and I just have to wait until He reveals the next part of His plan to me. I am not a patient person, but I think God is really trying to teach me patience. So I'm trying. It's not easy though, but I'm trying.

On a fun note, and a sad note at the same time, I got to go to the UNC-Dook basketball game Wednesday. It was fun, and my throat still hurts from all the yelling. I was three rows from the top of the Dean Dome, so the players looked like ants, so I am thankful for the jumbotron. It was a lot closer than most people expected, and pretty low scoring. So even though we lost, I still have an experience that most people don't get to have ever. And I know we lost, but on the horizon, there is Harrison Barnes. :) And we can't win it all every year. We must share. Sadly though, I have just been informed Ed Davis is out for six weeks with a broken wrist. I don't know why our team always gets hurt. :(

And on a super exciting note, Sunday I get to celebrate my first Valentine's Day with a date. A date that I have been dating almost a year now. Whoa. That seems crazy, but it has been a very happy, very wonderful almost year. :) And Saturday, we are having a small group party! so pumped.

Love love.

I should be sleeping...

2010-01-25T00:03:00.000-08:00

So I am terrified of tornadoes, so when there is a tornado watch when I should be asleep, my mind is too busy for me to be able to fall asleep. So I start thinking about anything just to take my mind off things. So here I am, up way too late, wishing I was home able to sleep in the basement, a pretty safe place to be during a tornado watch. But instead, I'm in the dorm, restless, and I know I am going to be exhausted tomorrow. I tried to fall asleep, but I was laying in bed, and my head was making things worse than they actually are. It is times like this when I start to hate the "Mind over Matter" factor. In reality, its only raining, not even that windy. In my mind, the second I fall asleep is the second the wind will really pick up and things will get scary and bad. Thankfully, I have a somewhat free afternoon tomorrow, so hopefully I can take a nap. According to the weather channel, the worst is almost over. And I hope so, I need to fall asleep soon.

A Reflection on 2009

2009-12-26T21:02:00.000-08:00

I can't believe 2009 is almost over. That I graduate in a small three semesters. Time has flown by. And as it draws to a close, and another year approaches, I think it makes sense to reflect on how I have changed and grown, and what has happened in my life. A lot has happened.

We won the National Championship! I rushed Franklin. I met Roy Williams. I stalked John Henson. (not really, but...) I laughed. I cried. I laughed so hard I cried. I celebrated. I loved. I was loved.

School/Academics...
My sophomore year was not particularly the most enjoyable year of my life, it was rather rough on some of my friendships and my wellbeing. I was taking classes I hated, dealing with personal issues, and just struggling to find the motivation to even try to work hard, to want to excel. My grades were suffering and I was being so negative on myself, even to the point of considering transferring to an easier school. I never wanted to, really, but in my mind, I couldn't help but think if all the stress and struggling was worth the effort. I obviously didn't transfer, and I am very glad. I took a maymester psychology class, and loved it. I had no trouble motivating myself to study, and really enjoyed the material, and excelled in the class. Of course, it was hard focusing for 3 hours every day on abnormal psychology in a class, but it was only for three weeks, so it wasn't too bad. And Fall of junior year, while I had two classes I absolutely hated, my grades were better and I was finding better motivation to study and just having a better time in classes.

Relationships with peers...
Friends are very important to me. But I am sad to admit I lost focus on who my real friends were sophomore year. I stopped spending as much time with my girl friends who really love me, and I love them. I realized this and I am working on it, because I know these girls are lifelong friends. I am sorry that I did this, and really am trying to start spending more time with them. I just lost focus and began spending too much time on third floor, even though I love those guys too, and less time with freshman-year friends. I do have wonderful friends that I love dearly and I am so thankful for them. They are such blessings on my life.

A Special Relationship...
March 2009 was important in that I got my first boyfriend, and luckily, still have him. :) He has been such a blessing in my life, and I have absolutely fallen for him. He is a truly wonderful man, he loves Jesus, he is smart, and he really cares about me. I can't believe I got so blessed to have him in my life. We are a little crazy, but we understand each other and have fun together and I can talk to him about everything. He was a good friend before we started dating and he is one of my best friends now. I never imagined it could be this good.

Faith...
I fell in love with God all over again. Not that I ever didn't love Him, but sophomore year I hit a slump. I led small group halfheartedly, only fulfilling a commitment. I lost focus, I let stress and school and other things take priority. But as time went on, I gradually began to see what was important, and what really mattered again. I prayed more. I trusted more. I learned more. And I realized that God really loves me. God, who is SOO powerful and could have decided I was not worth the sacrifice, made the ultimate sacrifice just to save my life. I am so not worthy of His love and grace and mercy and forgiveness, but he so willingly sent His only Son, who was God in flesh, fully God and fully man, to die a terrible, horrific, painful, embarrassing death, just so that I could live. God came to earth, which is crazy to think about, so that I could have life, so that I could find eternal joy. What? That is crazy, but His love is crazy. "He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, I am a tree bending beneath the weight of his love and mercy..." I don't understand why, but I know He did. I'm not special. I have so many flaws, it is ridiculous. I make so many mistakes. I sin against Him. And yet I am forgiven everytime just because I have let Christ come into my life and chose to live for Him and love Him. What an amazing blessing and realization. God is so amazing.

I think overall, I have had a good year. I am so blessed, yet so often I fail to remember that truth. So for 2010, I am going to enjoy life and not worry about what the future holds. I am going to live to the fullest and live for Christ, because there is no other reason I am living. God bless.

Thankful

2009-11-25T21:06:00.000-08:00

This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for many things. For the cheers in the Dean Dome, for rushing Franklin Street after the National Championship and beating Dook, for the Old Well, for the uneven brick paths and the ringing of the bell tower. For the autumn leaves and the warmth of a blanket on a cold night. For the night sky, with millions and millions of shining stars. For warm summer days and white winter skies. For the rolling mountains and sandy beaches. For cameras and pictures capturing memories. For salt and vinegar chips and mint chocolate ice cream. For the Disney Channel and fairy tales, mascara and straighteners, cute clothes. For carolina blue and all shades of pink. For wild animals in my yard, for sports, for roses and gerber daisies. For cheerwine and strawberries, for books and chick flicks and girl nights, for random dance parties, for Joyner. For coffee and chocolate, health and my bed.

For my family. We dont always get along, but they really do love me. They have made me who I am today. "You don't choose your family, they are God's gift to you, as you are to them." (Desmond Tutu)

For my wonderful friends. They are the greatest, always there for me. They really care about me. Ephesians 4:9-10. They lift me up.

For Josh. This man is amazing. These past almost 9 months have been amazing. We've been through a lot, and he still likes me. He's committed, what can I say. He makes me smile, especially when I don't want to. I'm blessed to be the girl he decided to date. He helps me through stressful times, and stays up way too late to help me study, encouraging me, and believing in me, especially when I don't believe in myself. I've got the best boyfriend. "You're the best thing I never knew I needed." (Princess and the Frog, Never Knew I Needed)

For this country, For the opportunities I have been given, for UNC.

For my small group. These girls teach me so much and I love them and I am blessed by that entire group.

For breaks from school. Can I get a second? :)

I saved the most important for last, because He loved me first, He saved me. And that is what I have to be thankful for the most. Jesus Christ, the ultimate sacrifice. Through Him, I am saved, without Him, I am nothing. 1 John 5:11-13

I'm sure I missed some things. So this is not everything. But the most important things.

I GOT TO RIDE IN THE BACK OF A POLICE CAR!

2009-11-20T01:43:00.001-08:00

Ok, well, I should totally be asleep right now, but I just have a lot on my mind and can not sleep, so here is a fun story about my night, and most of the reason why I am unable to fall asleep right now.

A big group of girls I am friends with decided to all go see the midnight premiere of New Moon tonight. We leave campus around 6:30 to get dinner and hang out before getting in line for the movie. Dinner was good, and it was nice to spend some time with them, and not having to think about school. So, we finish, and go to Barnes and Noble to change into our "team edward" shirts and grab Starbucks to keep us awake throughout the movie. We wait in line for a while, and are actually at the theater for three hours before the movie actually started. Finally, the movie starts, and it's good. Better than Twilight in my opinion, and Taylor Lautner... well, he was cut. haha. (but Josh, I still like you best!) We leave the theater.

Okay, here is where the real fun starts. We drive back to campus, no big deal. Then I go back with Holly and Sarah to the PR lot so no one has to walk alone to their dorms at 3:00 at night. We go park Sarah's car at the Battle House and begin to walk Sarah back to Old West, when we decide it would be best to push the emergency button and get an escort. Well, the operator is a complete jerk. We tell her that we are three girls alone and don't feel safe, and she so rudely tells us to call the P2P and hangs up. DPS fail #1. So we have no choice, and call the P2P. Well, we have to wait for it, so we are sitting near a dorm waiting for the P2P, when an older man, who seems to be drunk, starts stumbling across the street towards us. So naturally, we run away towards Sarah's dorm, since it isn't too far away, calling the P2P telling us where to meet us, since we change locations. We stop in Old East, since it is closer and there is another person down the street, so better safe than sorry. We are waiting on the P2P, but still just standing still, like sitting ducks. Not too safe, and it is taking a ridiculously long time for our supposed "saferide" to show up. DPS fail #2. But, it was comforting to see a rabbit near the Old Well. I saw it, and I really felt God there, protecting us. Moments later, a Campus Police car drives by and stops, and we ask him if he can take us back to Joyner. An answered prayer maybe? He can't say no, or that would be a bigger fail. So, Holly and I climb in back, and make it back to Joyner.

What can I say? It was an adventure, one I definitely do not want to repeat. Wow, I really need sleep. Sometime soon, I will be complaining to someone important about this DPS FAIL. Maybe I'll be able to fall asleep...

Break

2009-10-26T15:08:00.000-07:00

Fall break was a much needed time of rest for me. I needed to go home and just not think about classes or busy schedules, even if it was a very short break. I stayed at school for the football game Thursday night, and then drove home after the game. On the way home, I hit a deer. Scary experience, and it broke a parking light on my car. But I was safe other than that.

I realized how important it is to take a time to rest, even in the midst of stressful weeks at school, when I am busy with work and studying and friends and small group. I mean, I love my friends and small group and leading a small group, but I forget to take time for myself too often. I forget to get quiet and just listen to God, to spend time alone with Him.

So, I'm working on that the rest of this busy semester. Hopefully, I'll feel more relaxed about my life, about my future, what I'm going to do with my life after college. It'll all work out though. God's got a plan. :) And in that knowledge, I find peace.

What a semester...

2009-10-03T21:10:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it is already October. This semester has really flown by, and I am not liking how fast it. And so many happy things are happening. People getting engaged, I'm not a teenager anymore... Wow, i am old. haha. Life is moving so fast, and I can't catch up. But at the same time, I am excited about the future, as overwhelming as it is. I have no clue what I want to do with my life, and I am coming to terms with the fact that it is okay, God's got a plan for me, and He'll show me when the time is right. I just hate waiting. Patience is something God is definitely trying to teach me, and I am having trouble understanding that concept. But, I'm trusting him, so whatever happens, happens. And for a reason.

My friends getting engaged. That is just crazy. It does make me excited to get married, like I have ever not been... haha, but I was looking at engagement rings and wedding dresses today, just for the fun of it. Who ever ends up marrying me will be brave, but I can't wait for that day. But at the same time, I am so not ready to get married yet. I still have things I want to accomplish before I even deal with that, like graduate from UNC. :)

On an unrelated, but happy note, today marks 7 months of a wonderful relationship with my wonderful boyfriend. It has gone by so fast, and I am still finding things about him that make me sooooo happy and get a warm, fuzzy feeling. I didnt think I'd find someone like him. He's respectful, makes me feel like the most important, special person in the world, and most importantly, puts up with my crazy self. I don't know how he does it. But he makes me really happy, all the time. I've learned a lot from him, and grown through him in my faith. He is a great spiritual example to me and everyone else in his life, and I can see his love for Christ in everything he does. I can't believe I got such an amazing first boyfriend. God must really love me.

And one more thing before I end. I am applying for OL for this summer and I am really hopeful about this oppurtunity. Okay, goodnight! :)

Insanely busy

2009-09-15T13:04:00.000-07:00

Today I had my first exam of the year. I stayed up way too late studying last night, and so did Josh, just to keep me company. :) Just have to throw that out there, he's great.

My small group girls are awesome and I love them. My coleader is great too, a transfer student from Indiana Wesleyan, and so sweet. My small group seems to be going really well so far, and I am so excited to see where God leads us over the year. I am so blessed by these girls already, and we have only had one week of actual Bible Study. Tonight, we delve into Acts 2.

This year seems like it is going to be so much better than it was last year. I enjoy my classes more, at least most of them. I have a huge room, and a good roomie. My hall is social, IV is going well, I am really enjoying loving on the freshmen in IV. Last week was class time and the juniors and freshmen hung out together. They are all awesome, and I am excited to see how the rest of the year goes.

I am staying busy this semester though. Classes are tough and studying for them takes up a lot of time. But so far, I am staying on top of all my work and reading and homework. And for the first time since I started UNC, I am actually really interested in the majority of my classes and like going to class. Small group/IV leadership is also taking up a lot of time, but it's good. Then I am trying to leave time for friends. Because they are what is important, they'll be here after college, not the grades and exams I am not pleased with. But, I think I am blessed to be busy with things I enjoy. I actually don't mind being busy, as long as I make time for rest.

One of the best things so far this year was my "6-month" gift from Josh, a ticket to the alumni basketball game. It was AMAZING! And really a once in a lifetime experience. It was so exciting, no matter where our seats were. ;) And the day after, I was at the UNC vs Citadel football game and saw the 2009 team get their championship rings. Yeah. It was awesome. And Sunday, I went on a dinner date with Josh at Firebirds and Tyler Hansbrough was there. It was a Tyler-filled weekend.

Okay, well, that's all I've got at the moment. Love.

Moved In!

2009-08-19T20:45:00.000-07:00

Well, I am all moved in. Back to Joyner. It's good to be back. While I know I am going to miss my family, it is great to be back among friends, and even better now that I am in a new, bigger room. I mean, we have a lot of space, room to walk, and it's wonderful. I love it! It's weird though, the dorm is a lot quieter than usual, than I am used to, and I feel like now that I am back at school, I should be studying or something, but I don't have to study yet! It's amazing. :)

This first week back is going to be BUSY for me though, let me tell you. There is a lot of New Student Welcome stuff going on with InterVarsity. I am excited about it all, but it is still really busy and I think it may be a bit overwhelming. I am ready for it though. I am so excited to meet all the new students and get back in the swing of things. Everyone seems so excited to be back on campus, it's great. I love Carolina.

Beauty

2009-08-11T17:52:00.000-07:00

I am sitting outside on the balcony of the condo at the beach, listening to the waves of the ocean crash against the sand, seeing the beauty of God's creation, and I can't help but smile and know how much He loves me. The beach has always been a place I have enjoyed, even when I was scared of the "big water" and as I grow older, I begin to appreciate it for new reasons, along with the fun and excitement it brings. Being here, I have plenty of time to think about things, and one thing I have been thinking about a lot lately is how much Daddy has blessed me. I have a family who loves me, amazing friends who mean so much to me, and the greatest boyfriend. I have a roof over my head, food on the table, and a school where I am given the opportunities to experience so many things and learn so much.

It's kinda lonely here, even though I am surrounded by my family and their friends. But still, nice. And it's a good way to end the summer. A week from tomorrow, and I am back to Carolina. I am really excited.

So, I went to Joshua's dad's wedding the other day, and I realized even more how much I love weddings, and it made me excited for my wedding, who knows when that will be... not soon though. haha. Anyways, at the wedding, I realized how lucky I am. Josh was so happy that his dad was so happy and he really cared, you could tell. Then, he took me to the beach to stay only a day and was so good with the kids, and adults. He has no idea, but little things like this make me realize how much I really do like him, and how lucky and blessed I am to have him in my life. I really care about him, and by things he does and says, I can tell he also really cares about me.

Lucky. Blessed. MLIG.

A reflection on the first half of my Carolina experience

2009-08-05T21:14:00.000-07:00

Only two more weeks until I am back in Chapel Hill, and I honestly don't think they can go by fast enough. But, I do have a busy next two weeks, so hopefully that will make it seem to go by faster. It's been a long summer, and while I love my family, being stuck at home constantly around the same four people gets old, boring, repetitive, stressful, and I get "cabin fever." I really love being around them, but it's tough readjusting after living in a dorm around what, 200 people daily. It's constantly something going on, and at home... not much happens worth mentioning, and that can be annoying, especially when I am the type of person who needs to be able to constantly do something, even if I don't always constantly do something. I am really excited to get back to school.

I miss...
I miss my friends, my boyfriend, the busyness, the oppurtunities, the surroundings, the Old Well... everything. I miss leading small group, I miss IV, I miss worshiping with people my age who like to worship the same way I do, and not the way my family grew up worshiping. I miss Franklin Street and always looking for a basketball player, I miss the quad, the pit, the study breaks with friends. I miss topless Fridays and late night talks on the third floor, I miss CCI printing losing my print job, I miss the four flights of stairs to my room, I miss the college atmosphere, I miss the random dorm room dance parties, I miss lunch dates with friends, I miss McAllisters and Suttons Saturdays and Firehouse Subs. I miss the diversity, I miss the noise, I miss the community, I miss movie nights with the girls. I miss procarastinating with Facebook (now, I just am on Facebook to kill the time), I miss assassins and running from spoons. I don't miss Lenior so much, though.

Summer before my freshman year of Carolina, I was so excited, I knew I'd love it. I never expected my excitement to grow every year as mid-August approached and I prepared to go back to Chapel Hill. But it has. I have grown very attached to this school. I have learned so much, not only in classes, but through the people I interact with daily. I am meeting people from literally all over the world, whether it be New Zealand, China, Korea, or even Boone... my newfound friends have come from everywhere. I just don't believe I could get this experience anywhere else. I learn things about the world, about myself, I never knew. I have changed my mind on what I think I am meant to do with my life several times, and I still don't know completely, but I am figuring it out. I have been able to take a weekend trip with my best friends to the mountains and grow closer to them. I have gotten to become a leader and grow closer to God and the small group girls. Being a small group leader was not in my mind as something I would ever be able to do because I am somewhat shy sometimes, but I am, and will do it again, and I know I can. Carolina has given me confidence in myself, challenged me, and helped me discover who I really am.

On Tuesdays, we wear pink.
At Carolina, I have met amazing people who have made a huge impact on my life and I can't thank them enough. The Princesses of Connor Community gave me a place to belong as a freshman, gave me great friends who I trust and love dearly, who have helped my walk with God, and who have helped me become a strong Christian woman. All of them were such a blessing, and it was because of them, I knew I belonged at UNC. All because Lindsey was walking by to brush her teeth and helped Fung Shei my dorm room, and we discovered our love for HSM. Seriously, the memories with the Princesses are some of the best and most important memories of Carolina, and my life. From sleepovers at Christmas wearing moustaches to trips to McAlisters before IV, and making t-shirts about Tuesday and wearing them Thursday... Amazing times with amazing girls.

J-Party
Joyner has become my home, I have met awesome people in that dorm. My roomie is great and I am so glad to have gotten a roommate that has stuck with me for what will be going on three years now. My neighbors Holly and Beth are two of my best friends. Lindsey, Cristina, and Anna all made this freshie feel welcome their sophomore year, singing happy birthday at midnight and making signs to put on my door and taking me to Southpoint, and inviting me to movies and Joe's Joint, and Firehouse Fridays, and basketball in their room and my first Late Night with Roy. And I met great people through them too, like Matt and John, etc. And Meredith and Elly, friends from second floor, beautiful, Godly women. And soooo many more people on fourth floor I love... sorry for not mentioning them all. And then where would I be without mentioning third floor... Crazy Smash Brothers, Waffle House way too late, Topless Friday, dance parties... I have met some great boys on that floor. Sure, I may have gotten (and remain, mind you, Joshua) a lot closer to one great boy from the third floor, but they are all special to me. Even Tom, though he claims to hate me and that I am too happy. Joshua is my closest third floor friend, but that's the way a boyfriend should be, so that's the way it is. :)

Well there is still so much I want to say, but it is getting late, so I think I'm done for now. I may continue this later, I may not. We'll see. I am soooo very excited to return to Chapel Hill.
Love for everyone.

Kinda busy, but happy.

2009-07-14T09:15:00.000-07:00

This summer has not gone the way I thought it would, but I am having a great time. Busch Gardens was so much fun, riding on the ferry, riding rolller coasters, spending time with my family and Josh... Even if we were cramped in a small hotel room and the fire alarm went off. Josh is such a blessing, he makes me want to be a better person to my family, and he is there to help me. I am so thankful that he did that, it made the trip more pleasant. And he gave me someone to ride roller coasters over and over with.

I just got back from Pensacola this past Saturday, and I had an amazing time with Josh and his family. They really welcomed me, and it was a beautiful place. I did things I was scared to do, like riding the bullet, but I am so glad I did, because it was so much fun. It was nice spending time with Josh. Doing fireworks over the bay, going to the beach, going to the base, it was all so fun. I even enjoyed the long car ride back.

I am really happy, and it's a lot of fun. I am enjoying the summer, even if I don't have a job that I really need. This summer is good. A lot better than last summer. But I am glad. I really am blessed.

Oh, summer...

2009-06-22T13:24:00.000-07:00

So, this summer is going pretty well so far. It's surprising how fast it's gone by, I think part of that reason is MayMester. It's been busy, even with the unfortunate case of not having a job... sadly. Looks like I'm going to be babysitting my sisters this summer. I wish I had a job, but I have already applied at so many places, and no one seems to be hiring. This economy is sooo bad, and normal college jobs are taken by adults who lost their jobs... it's sad for us poor college students. But, it's teaching me a lesson, just to trust God to provide. And to stop worrying. He loves me, and it will all work out, even if I don't understand why I can't get a job... He will provide.

In other "news"... Last weekend (the weekend before father's day...) Josh came to visit. It was a fun weekend. And then right now, I am wishing I was in War. The mission trip is this week. I almost cried yesterday because I wanted to be there so bad. I just love and miss the kids at the sports camp, and it's hard not seeing them, getting their hugs... But, I am praying for them, cause I can't do anything else now. :( But, I am going to Busch Gardens this weekend, so that should be a lot of fun. They have a roller coaster with a 90 degree, 205 ft drop. I am scared to ride it, but super excited.

This is going to be a busy summer. And I can't wait to get back to Chapel Hill and see the beautiful faces of my friends. Love.

Nakupenda, Ngo Oi Lei, Tha gradh agam ort, Je 'taime, S' agapo, Ti amo. I love you.

2009-06-05T21:36:00.000-07:00

As food is needed for the body, them same way love is needed for the soul. Food strengthens the body while love strengths the soul. A person is incomplete without love.

I can't sleep, and started thinking about love. There are so many different kinds of love. So many different ways to say I love you, so many different explanations to different people, it's so hard to but into words what love really means. Love is more than a little word, and the word love is used so often and freely by some people, and not enough by others. It is so important to show people you love them, to let them know you do. Not only for them, but it helps you out too. Helps friendships, help relationships, gives a warm and fuzzy feeling.

There is love between friends. Love like I have for Caroline, for instance (I use her, because she is my roomie. I love my other friends too.) I want to be there for them, I don't want to see them hurt, and when they are hurt, I want to cheer them up. I really enjoy being around them, and they can make me smile and laugh no matter what I am feeling. I respect them and truly cherish them.

There is family love. I once heard that "family" stood for Forget About Me, I Love You. I liked that a lot. Put family first. I love my family, and think I always will, no matter what happens, and no matter what has happened in the past. It's unconditional, I think. I know my parents will love me, no matter how many times I mess up. They may not always be happy with me, but love isn't simply being happy all the time. It's letting that person know you are there and that even if they do make mistakes and disappoint you, nothing can change the fact that you love them, and want to be together through it all.

Then there is romantic love. A love that is between a man and a woman, and that develops over time. So much more than physical, that is barely even a speck of what this kind of love is. This kind of love is magical. Safety and comfort and protection. Respect and appreciation. Doing little things like making cards, baking cookies, being a nurse to them when they are sick. Wiping up their blood, even though you have a weak stomach and hate blood. Knowing how blessed you are to have them in your life, and thanking God everyday. This is special. When it happens, you just want to be with that person, can't get them out of your mind, miss them before they are gone. I think you can see this love in a person's eyes. It's like at weddings, right when the bride comes out. I never look at the bride to see how beautiful she looks, I can do that later. I always turn and look at the groom. At that moment, the groom just looks so happy, so full of joy, and amazing, you can see he has got it all, and is on top of the world. That's what I like to see. That's love. Knowing what you've got and holding on tight.

And then, the best love of all, God's love for me, and everyone. The most quoted Bible verse says it all. "For God so loved the world, that He gave His one and only son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life. That's amazing. God sending His only son to give me life. That's true love. I can't imagine. But I am so thankful He did it. Without it, I'd never be able to do it on my own. It's amazing. I can't express it in words how much joy it brings me knowing this, knowing I'm never alone. What a great God, what a wonderful Savior. I am eternally His.

Well, it's late. I really need to try to sleep. LOVE. :)

DONE!

2009-05-30T19:31:00.000-07:00

Three weeks later, I am officially DONE with Maymester. And soooo glad. I loved the class (not only because I am almost certain I got an A in the class...). I loved the class, I loved the material I learned, I had a great teacher. It was just exhausting. I hadn't even had time to catch up from the spring semester before cramming an entire semester into thirteen days, it's intense. But worth it. I am just physically and mentally exhausted from it all.

This weekend was good though. I got to see Josh, and meet a lot of people that are important to him, which was a good experience. It's amazing how good seeing him makes me feel, just very happy. Thursday, we will have been dating three months. It's crazy to think how fast time has gone by.

I don't really have much to say. I'm pretty tired. But love lots. :)

Summer, Busyness, and Mental breakdowns

2009-05-24T19:49:00.000-07:00

Well, Summer is so close. It's tough, cause for most of my friends, it's already summer. Josh was at the Florida Keys, people in IV got to go to Rockbridge... things like that. What have I been doing since finishing final exams? Well, lots of studying. Yay for Summer school. The good thing about Maymester... I finish this Friday. The bad things about Maymester... it's so time consuming, I wake up everyday at 6:45, get ready, and make the almost hour drive (with insane traffic most days) to Chapel Hill for my 9 am class that lasts 3 hours and 15 minutes everyday... which really makes me appreciate the Tuesday thursday hour and 15 minute classes I used to hate. I had my midterm Wednesday, which seems crazy, since I had only had 6 classes before the midterm. And my final exam, this Friday, the 13th and last day of class. I really enjoy learning about the abnormal psychology material, don't get me wrong, this may be my favorite class I've had at Carolina as far as professors and material go. (sidenote: if you ever take a psychology class, I recommend 245, and Dr. Wiss... great, interesting teacher, likes to ramble a lot, which means less material on the exams) But it takes up so much time. I spend a few hours reading the book everyday, plus right now I should be finishing my paper. On the bright side, only a page and a half left to go! Yay for productivity. haha.

And a lot of time has been spent looking for a summer job with not very much success. I am hopeful about one place, but that's still iffy. It's all in God's plan, whatever happens. I just hope he has some way of earning money in his plan, cause I am running out, and money is helpful. I just feel like my summer is so boring. Friends are traveling all over, mission trips... The only time I'll be leaving North Carolina is for a family beach trip to Myrtle Beach. I don't even get to go to War this year, which breaks my heart knowing I won't get to see Bethany, Faith, Haley, Brooke, and all the other amazing children in War that I have given such a big place in my heart. War has been the best part of my summer for the past three summers, and this year, it doesn't get to happen, and it breaks my heart.

And in other news, earlier this past week, I had a major mental and emotional breakdown. I don't really know what caused it, I just started crying and couldn't stop. It lasted a couple days. I think a lot of it had to do with just being exhausted from the end of spring semester, start of maymester, looking for a job, missing friends... All of the stress just built up until it exploded. I guess I'll be glad when class is over and I can have time to just relax. I'll need it. Summers are always tougher for me because since I started Carolina, my good friends live at least an hour away. So I don't have them to listen to me, except over the phone and on email, etc... which just isn't the same. But at least Josh is visiting me and I am visiting him, and hopefully I'll see other people some too this summer, like Caroline. But at least I'll get some alone time... a lot of alone time. I never knew how hard it was to miss people until I started Carolina.

Well, maybe I'll get some more of this paper done. Love always. :)

2009-05-12T14:53:00.000-07:00

first of all, whoa! two posts in two days... unreal, i know.

so today, I had my first abnormal psyc class, and I really think I'm going to enjoy it. Even if it is insanely long. I mean, my first class was today, my midterm is a week from tomorrow. Crazy fast. But I really like my professor, he seems to really enjoy what he does and really wants us to learn the material. So I like it. I have to do a group presentation and a paper on eating disorders through things that I have found on the internet, so learning what real people with these disorders go through should be pretty interesting. I think I am going to enjoy these fast paced classes, because it doesn't really give me time to get burnt out and bored of the material, and class today actually didn't seem as long as I expected it to. Tonight, I have to read three chapters of the textbook, which will be intense and long, but I think it will be worth it. Hopefully, I'll do well in this class. I need to, let me tell you.

After class, Josh came to get lunch with me, which was fun. It was good seeing him, and a few other J-Party folks. Man, I am going to really miss people this summer.

I am going tomorrow to get my interview that got interupted thanks to the accident yesterday. Hopefully, I'll find a job. I think I'm going to apply at Hobby Lobby and Little Italy. Maybe. I am pretty sure I'll apply at Hobby Lobby, it seems fun. Maybe even Best Buy. I don't know.

Well, I'm going to go eat dinner before my sisters' softball game... love lots. :)

Summer update numero uno

2009-05-11T19:29:00.000-07:00

Well, I wish I was able to go to Rockbridge this year. I am really sad I am missing out, especially because I am missing out to take a Maymester class... Abnormal psychology. It should be an interesting class, I think.

I have also decided I am dropping my biology major altogether. Biology just doesn't interest me like it used to. I may add a religious studies minor to my psychology major, but I am still not sure at this point. We'll see, I guess.

Today's been one of the worst days I have had in a really long time. I got really stressed about my future and was not nice to my mom, but then again, she wasn't all that nice to me either. I am just so very confused and stressed about what I want to do with the rest of my life, and it's all coming so fast, I mean, I am a junior in college already. When did that happen? Seriously, time moves way too fast and I need to catch up. And then I was going to town for a job interview, and was shopping with the time I had to kill before hand. And I get backed into. I was freaked out, and the lady tried to tell me not to call police. I did, anyways, and got the phone number of a witness, and hopefully things will go in my favor, because I know it wasn't my fault, I was sitting still, putting my car into drive in the parking lot. So I was sitting there, waiting for the cops to come, crying, talking to Josh trying to calm down, and I did until I was leaving and I just break down again in front of the two policemen and my mom. It was the first time I had ever been in an accident where I was driving, so I was really shaken up, and embarrassed. And the lady that hit me works for the Carolina basketball team and is a member of the Ram's Club. I should have just gotten courtside Dook-UNC basketball tickets and forgotten about her hitting me. ;) jk, jk.

Tomorrow, my Maymester class begins. I'm nervous, I'm getting through a whole semester in 13 days. It's going to kill me. Then after class Josh is coming to see me and we are getting lunch, so I am excited about that. I am kinda pathetic though. It's been four days since I have seen him, and I am really excited about tomorrow. The rest of the summer is going to be tough. But I am convinced we will work something out... I hope to see a lot of friends from school this summer, not just Josh. So if you want to hang out, give me a call please! Well, I think I am going to go get ready for bed. I have to get up early in the morning so I can make it to Chapel Hill and be in class by 9. lots of love. :D

Wow.

2009-04-22T12:25:00.000-07:00

So, in one week, I will have taken my first final exam of the semester. It's kinda scary, I am almost halfway done with college, and I don't think I'm ready to be. It's really crazy to think about how fast it has, and is, gone by. Overall, this school year has been a good one. I've made new friends, gotten closer to older ones, discovered how confused I am about what I want to do the rest of my life... and found someone sorta special who makes me really happy.

We won the national championship! Which is really exciting. The team is going to be so different next year. I already miss the seniors. And I am already suffering from basketball withdrawal. This is sad, It hasn't even been that long... Ok, well, I need to go do dishes. Love lots

Yes, I am...

2009-04-20T19:24:00.000-07:00

This semester is almost over. I can't believe how quickly my sophomore year has gone by, I have one week of classes left... only 13 classes left until exams begin. This has been a great semester, I just hate the classes. College would be so much better if I didn't have to go to class. I should be writing a paper right now. I should be studying for exams right now. I should be reading for English right now. I should be... It keeps going. I need some rest. So, I am taking a small break. And enjoying the company of Josh. ;) Even if he actually is working on a paper... Making me feel like a slack student. But, in my defense, his is a bit, as in twice as long, and a little more important. As in both of our papers are worth 25% of our grade, but I think his is going to graded a lot harsher. Mine is opinion and analysis, which we do in class. His is research... history majors.

Anyways. I don't know what it is, but God really is and has been blessing me this semester. I have been happy, felt so loved, and been able to not stress out too much. Small group leading has helped too, and I am so excited to get to do it again next year. I have been able to play softball again, with Josh's CCF intermural team, and we are pretty good. Well, I think I should get some stuff done. More later. :)